May 30, 2024
thinking about my deadname again and just. feeling so sad. its beautiful. im sorry i hate it. im sorry it hurts every time to hear it. its beautiful. im sorry it was taken away from you.
mum didn't really care about it- it was something special and hand crafted and meaningful from our dad and she was so certain she'd have a boy that she agreed to the prettiest name he offered her.
i grieve for the little girl who was so scared her mom didn't want her because her mom didn't put thought into her name.
i grieve for the little boy she became who was terrified to pick his own name. who was so scared of upsetting a father who had put so much of himself into the name. scared of picking a name his mother hated.
one who picked a name he hated for so long because of how masculine it was, just so his mum would have a son, not whatever genderqueer freak he really was.
im sorry you were scared. i wish i could have saved you. i wish it had gone better. i wish she loved the name you picked. i wish she didn't make you resent it. i wish we didnt resent our name.
im sorry i killed your daughter,
she was a wonderful kid.
she would have been a good person. im sorry youre stuck with me.
im sorry my new name isnt the one you picked. im sorry that im drifting away from it.
im sorry i keep changing. im sorry my next picks are weird and make it obvious im different.
i know you'll hate them, i know you'll think theyre pretentious or stupid.
im sorry im not who you wanted me to be. i still love you, do you still love me?
with every new person i become? with every new name? or are you tired of having to keep up?
carrion-creation 2022